Tuesday, 10 October 2017

My struggles: Mental health

I honestly hate talking about myself and my feelings, I am a very private person but having a blog has helped me in a lot of ways. Whenever I try to talk about my feelings there is something in me that just can't let it all out, I have always been a closed book but I feel like sharing how I feel can help myself or someone in some way.

I can imagine everyone has had struggles in their life, some more than others, and it's important to make sure that we are there for someone when they most need it. We all have different ways of coping with everything, and even the little things can be the hardest for someone. I have always known I have anxiety and it can be hard admitting it, and each day doesn't get easier. I can feel so happy some days and feel like everything is okay, but then the next day I can feel like I have taken 100 steps back, and feel at my worst. It's not going to go away as easy as it could be, you have to work hard for something, you have to keep pushing yourself and prove that you can set your mind to anything, and not let anyone put you down.

My school leaver's book makes me laugh a lot, so many people said how happy I was and always had a smile on my face, but I was far from it. It amazes me how a smile on your face can make people think that everything is okay. The last thing I wanted was people thinking I was upset, so the best thing was to put on a front and pretend to be happy. I have many struggles from being a hypochondriac to social anxiety, and sometimes I wish I was 'normal'.  I can have days where little symptoms can suddenly pop up where I think I am dying or I just can have days where I want to be alone, and do nothing. I didn't have a lot of friends, and I was ok with it, I didn't care. I was always asked to go out somewhere, but I just wanted to stay home, it was where I was most comfortable, and I didn't like doing anything out of my comfort zone. 

"I've suffered a great catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened." Mark Twain

I recently watched an episode of Bojack Horseman and the episode 'Piece of Sh*t' had caught my eye.  I was in awe and couldn't stop laughing at what I saw, it was me. You don't realise how you feel until you see it with your own eyes. If you have days where you are constantly putting yourself down, watch this clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGalix-sVXs

It is a lot easier to just say no and not do anything at all. I am 23 and have only been clubbing probably around 6 times in my life, I know it's not for me, but it has been brought down due to my anxiety. I am more of a stay-at-home, eat pizza and watch movies kind of gal anyway, it can be hard for me, but then I don't want to let people down. I have lost a lot of friends in the past for always letting them down, and I am trying my hardest not to do that anymore. I feel like I can do a lot more than I would ever do a few years ago, and I am a lot happier.

People have said, 'just be happy and get over it!' and trust me, I wish it was that easy. It's important to talk it through to someone that you know can help. I have found it hard to talk about it, but doing this post has helped a lot.

Don't worry if it takes a lot of tries and if you keep thinking, 'what is the point' then you will never get better. Someone is always going to be there for you and the only person that knows you is yourself. Be strong and don't worry if you have a shit day. We all have them. 


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